Rules of the Road

There is nothing which cannot be carried on a motorbike

I thought it might be useful to others if I wrote down the traffic rules which actually apply in Vietnam, since no one else appears to have done so.
When I look for some kind of logic in this I can only think that it is based on a bastardised version of French road rules, handed down from generation to generation and complimented by a few ideas from places like New Zealand which have been completely misinterpreted in implementation.

Anyway, this is my understanding after seven months of experience.

Rule number one – never stop
If you stop, even in the middle of a junction, everyone will assume you have parked and treat you as such. You will never get started again. Hence everyone teeters along at standing pace rather than put their feet on the floor and give the impression of being stationary. Cars cannot always achieve this, there’s a limit to the space a car can crawl into and the use of brakes is justification to motorcyclists to drive round the car, block it in on every side and generally cause gridlock.

Rule number two – never give way
If you give way to anyone, even if it’s because you have no where to go and by not giving way you will cause gridlock, then you should still not give way. If you give way penalties outlined in rule number one will be applied.

Rule number three – if you see a space fill it
If you do not drive into an apparent space on the road then someone else will. Filling any available space also increases the chances you will comply with rules one and two. You should weave from space to space even if it means you are going away from your intended direction of travel. You will eventually cause gridlock, but that’s ok because everyone else will be in the same position by then.

Rule number four – sound your horn whenever possible
This ensures the roads in Vietnam are very noisy. It also creates a deaf culture where ambulances and fire engines are ignored by other road users. Some road users try to gain an advantage by fitting a horn from another vehicle to their vehicle. So a moped driver tries to fool everybody by fitting the horn from a bus (a vehicle feared by many motorcyclists). This is actually illegal, there is a prescribed horn for each size and type of vehicle (generally deeper and louder the bigger the vehicle) but it doesn’t stop people fitting sirens and all sorts to their motorbikes. However, everyone knows this, so the result is rule number five.

Rule number five – ignore anyone who sounds their horn
The only exceptions to this are the police who have a unique and distinctive siren which everyone respects and who habitually confiscate the motorbikes of people who ignore them.

Rule number six – never look behind or to the sides
If you do you will become mortally afraid, and in any case you have as much as your senses can cope with avoiding what is in front of you. If only some of THEM actually looked before THEY backed the motorbike out into the junction, or changed lane without signalling then you might have time to think about signalling or looking behind. But that will never happen.

Rule number seven – never use your indicators or lights
Using lights wears out the bulbs, in some cases the bulbs wore out long ago and replacement costs are to be avoided, save that money for important things like putting more air in your bald and permanently leaking tyres. And if you used your indicators people would know where you were going, and that would take the fun out of driving. Occasionally it is ok to put your indicators on providing you are a) not turning at all, or b) turning in the opposite direction to the indicator.

Rule number eight – always take the opposite lane to the direction in which you are turning
This could have arisen from somewhere like New Zealand, where one of the weird rules of the road is that you should pull onto the hard shoulder before making a turn across the traffic. The idea is that you don’t disrupt the flow by sitting in the middle of the road and you can successfully make your turn when the traffic in both directions has cleared. This sort of thing will never work in Vietnam where rules one to seven apply. The end result is that diligent motorists pull into the kerb then (without stopping) swing slowly out to cross both lanes of traffic at right angles and complete their turn. There are some junctions which are actually marked up with arrows which imply UK style rules apply, if you’re turning right get in the right hand lane, if left get in the left hand lane, if straight on the middle lane. This leads to rule number nine.

Rule number nine – ignore all lane markings, traffic signs and traffic signals
And I mean ALL lane markings and traffic signs. The only white line which motorists comply with in Vietnam is one foot wide, three feet high and made of concrete. This creates a number of rules for pedestrians as well, particularly about what you can expect in a one way street, but that’s for another time. After seven months there is no known traffic regulation in the universe which I have not seen violated in Hanoi. Wrong way down one way streets, round roundabouts, down dual carriageways – its all normal, partly facilitated by rule number ten.

Rule number ten – always take the shortest route from A to B
This extends to going round corners. There is a right angle bend in the road not far from where we live. All the traffic which should have to go round the long side of the corner simply cuts the corner whilst the traffic which should be on that side of the road has nowhere else to go but through the traffic coming towards them on the wrong side of the road. So at the apex of the bend there is a piece of unworn, unused tarmac whilst at the inside of the corner there are two streams of traffic, head to head fighting it out to see who will be the first to break rule number two. Whilst rule ten largely explains the origin of rule nine, rule eleven provides a complete justification.

Rule number eleven – always assume you have right of way
This is a big enabler of rules one, two, five, nine and ten. Part of this possibly comes from the old French road rule of priority to the right, which was responsible for Paris having the highest rate of rear end shunts in Europe. Certainly everyone coming out of a side road into a main road applies rules number six and eleven. Only today I passed a tee junction where three motorcyclists, each coming from a separate leg of the tee had religiously applied rule number eleven. The result was three mangled motorbikes sitting head to head in the middle of the junction. Other motorists were behaving as if these bikes had broken rule number one, this relieves the police of any need to cordon off accidents or set up diversions – which would be pointless anyway since rule number nine would apply if they did.

Rule number twelve – the policeman is always right
And if he stops you then you did something wrong, even if you didn’t (which is unlikely). When he stops you it will cost you. If there are two or more police you might get a ticket and an official fine. If its one policeman the chances are you will have the opportunity to contribute to his personal benevolent fund. Hence;

Rule number thirteen – avoid the police at all costs
This rule is followed in extremis. I’ve seen drivers go at half the official speed limit because they heard there was a speed trap in the area. I’ve seen drivers do suicidal U turns in the middle of busy junctions because they could see a police check point on the other side of the junction. I’ve seen taxi drivers drive an extra block rather than make a turn at a corner where a policeman was standing and I’ve seen the miserable near to tears expressions of those who have just had their motorbike confiscated – something which is done on the spot for tax or insurance violations, of which there are many.

The police are unpredictable. I’ve watched them ignore all violations as they lean on trees at street corners. I’ve seen checkpoints in the middle of roads which caused more congestion than anything else going on and I’ve seen a policeman running diagonally across the traffic, like a lioness singling out one zebra to catch in a stampede. He planted his baton on the front of one motorbike which swerved and skidded to a stop. I have no idea what that guy did which no one else had done – so may be I still have more rules to learn. In the meantime if you’re planning to drive in Hanoi – take a taxi.